Many use others to gain something from them. We want them to do something for us that will result in a positive outcome for ourselves. (I'd like you to mow the lawn so I can relax.) We may want them to support our position that will lead to another positive personal outcome. (I'd like you to make John mow the lawn so I can relax.) The positive outcome may also be the avoidance of a negative outcome. (I'd like you to mow the lawn because it hurts my back.)
At its most basic that's frequently how it is, but seldom how it is executed. Whether or not we get our outcome depends on the relationship. If it is a request from the heart it may well be honoured with love. But often we feel compelled to 'pad' the request by making up a 'good reason' for asking. We may feel we need to because of a few things.
First, we may have abused the relationship with requests that do not feel ultimately like a fair exchange. A fair exchange doesn't mean that you necessarily promise to do something in return, only that the relationship overall is a fair and balanced one. The favour either could be returned or already is. (The satisfaction derived from the opportunity to give is enough for the other person to acquiesce.)
Second, you didn't tell the truth. Perhaps it seemed to like a way to hedge your bet by making the request seem more reasonable. Unfortunately, this often has the opposite effect because people can smell a rat. To believe they can't dishonours them. Instantly you are out of integrity. But why do we do it?
Two reasons pop up right away. Although we may feel strongly about what we want, we may also feel undeserving. Perhaps the truth of how you feel also feels petty or selfish. That's a self-esteem issue perhaps. The truth is our motivation is generally selfish.
Some would say it is our job and no one else's, to meet our needs. I would say it is certainly our job to know
our needs and be able to speak them. That takes self-awareness and courage. It becomes an integrity issue when we fail to own our feelings.
Next, is how we meet our needs. So if you feel compelled to rationalize a request it may be that you sense your own lack of integrity in it. If that is so, I believe that the core motivation feeling has not been revealed even to yourself. You cannot come into relationship honestly (even very short term ones at the customer service desk) until you know your own truth. If you feel like you need to make stuff up because you are undeserving, it may be because you have a long history of being out of integrity with yourself.
You know your word is no good, by the long list of broken promises to yourself (to exercise, to eat better, stop smoking, to take a vacation, work less, play more, stop taking abuse, etc.)
Naturally, that cannot help but spill over into all other relationships. Like I said, people can smell a rat. If they are in integrity with themselves they may respond in accordance with that. But human relationships are complicated and are influenced by varying degrees of social conformity. That in turn may lead to further burying of the truth and a further loss of integrity. This in turn furthers the loss of self-esteem. It is an unfortunate cycle.
Still the question remains, why would we weave and propagate such a reality so wholly not 'real'? Well, if we were ourselves, we stand the chance of rejection. Even something as a simple no to a request can seem like a deep wound if the request comes from the heart. It would feel like a profound rejection of our essential self. Our ego will strive to protect itself rather than risk harm. But of course, this way of being really shoots itself in the foot at best and at worse creates a world of fear-based deceitful human beings.
What to do?
Win-win is a negotiation strategy to keep in mind. If you can know yourself and fearlessly speak your truth, then next you can respect another. What that means is that you respect another to speak and act from their own place of integrity. This is a key point because it means that whatever their response to us, we do not need to take it personally. It does not effect us at the level of fear. It does not mean that they do not love us.
It is not for others that we strive for integrity in our words and deeds. It is absolutely for ourselves. Ultimately it is those things we damn ourselves for that create the burden of unhappiness. I once heard a minister describe integrity as a ball with no bits flying off it in other directions, no pieces missing. It was a whole sphere, balanced because it was the same throughout.
I remembered that years later when I took a class in integrity and commitment. Being a very large class we signed an agreement to standards of behaviour, like not disrupting class by being late returning from breaks or chatting. What the instructor said to those who broke faith was, "Who you are here, is who you are everywhere.” What he meant was, there is a high cost that you pay for leaving a trail of selfish little lies to get what you want, and prop up ego.
We will have breakdowns in our integrity--you can count on it. In fact it seems the more you try to remain in integrity the more you will be tested. However there are two very simple things to do according to my instructor. Make a promise (get back on that bicycle and be your word) or a request. Just do it from an honest open heart. Try it out. Imagine how easy it could be living as a balance whole being.
As you come to understand your own heart in this matter it becomes easy to accept the outcome of your request without attachment. It is another's struggle towards wholeness.
There are many sages who have spoken to us of this, eager to assist us in living so. The golden rule itself is a way to model. If we wish to live in a world without fear then we might try responding to others with acceptance of their highest honesty, their deepest heart feeling no matter what. It is after all our own hope for ourselves.
I would have wished you courage but instead I will say, Take Heart. Fear not.
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Biography
