DR. JOE RUBINO: When we talk about communicating powerfully, most of us immediately think about how to speak in a way that persuades, enrolls, influences, and conveys all of the thoughts that we wish others to get from our communication.

However, to communicate most powerfully, we would be well advised to pay more attention to both our listening style and the listening style of the person to whom we are speaking. Although speaking powerfully is an important component to communicating effectively, if we have not paid attention to the listening that we are speaking into, we are likely to miss the mark when it comes to impacting people significantly through our communication. Whatever we listen for shapes our reality. In fact, if we fail to create a powerful listening for our communication, our words will have little effect.

Those who speak without paying attention to the listening that they are speaking into resemble the tennis player who serves without paying attention to the boundaries of the court. As a result, such a server has a dramatically diminished likelihood of putting the ball strategically in play in an effective way. When we listen in a 'sloppy' or unfocused manner, we will likely find ourselves listening to our own internal chatter, paying attention to our self-talk, judgments, opinions, and attachments rather than actually listening to what is said and intended. Contrary to the belief that most people possess that our listening is empty, we all listen to others not like a blank tape been recorded upon, but more like a tape that is already full and recorded over. As a result, much of what a speaker wishes us to get, gets lost in the process of competing with whatever it is that we are already listening to.

We all possess an automatic, already present listening style that directly impacts what we hear. The same holds true for others who listen to us. By identifying how it is that we and others are prone to listen, we can then more powerfully manage our listening attitude to support us in hearing what is intended, what is unsaid, in addition to the many ways we can listen on purpose to empower the speaker and our relationship to him or her. Let's take a few minutes to examine some of the most common automatic listening styles.

Looking Good
Those who automatically listen to look good are focused predominantly on themselves. As someone is speaking, their internal chatter is asking, "What does this person think about me?" Those more concerned with looking good than communicating authentically will step over things, lie, offer false flattery, and otherwise put on an act in an attempt to have others believe the image that this person wishes to portray.

Being Liked or Validated
Similarly, those whose automatic listening attitude is to be liked or validated are not paying attention so much to the conversation as to whether the person they are communicating with likes them and acknowledges them. A preoccupation with being liked or seeking validation often translates into one being a people pleaser, ignoring what's really important to the person in favour of saying things that they think the other person will want to hear. Listeners with this tendency hope others will like them better because of the act they tend to put forth.

Taking things personally
Those who take things personally, listen as though whatever happens results specifically in relation to them. A good example of this type of automatic listening style is the person who thinks that it rained because they decided to wash and wax their car. Those who take things personally fail to see clearly the cause-and-effect relationship that actually exists in the world because they continue to listen to others as if all of their actions excessively relate to themselves.

Being offended
Many who take things personally also listen to be offended. This type of listening style has others needing to walk on eggshells in order to not offend the person with such a listening attitude. Those who are easily offended appear to be looking for trouble all the time because they not only take things personally but take offence to imagined assaults that usually are not at all intended by others.

I already know that
Those who possess this type of listening typically rule out most of what others have to say. These know-it-alls dismiss others as boring, stupid, or not nearly as insightful as they themselves are. As a result, those possessing a know-it-all listening often come across in conversation as arrogant, disinterested, board, and superior.

Hurry up - brevity
People who possess a hurry-up and get to the point automatic listening style display little patience for slow talkers and deliberate thinkers. They disdain those who beat around the bush or would have a long-winded story before finally getting to the point. These impatient listeners make hasty decisions because they lack the patience to hear any conversation to its conclusion. As a result, they miss out on many important points, especially when speaking with a slow or deliberate speaker. They hate windbags and this disdain severely damages their charisma.

Resignation
Those who listen with resignation have been there and done that so many times before. Their disappointments and failures prevent them from seeing or being open to new possibilities that might empower their lives. This resigned listening attitude results in a person being closed to new opportunities because they rule out things without fully exploring them. A good example of this type of listening is the unhappy, old married couple who attends the wedding of a young couple in love. Their expectation is, "You'll see how terrible marriage truly is eventually when the newness wears off." Those who live in resignation suffer a death of the spirit that causes them to see life as stale, predictable, boring, and any efforts being of little use.

Judgment
People who listen from a judgmental perspective filter whatever is said from a right/wrong, good/bad, agree/disagree perspective. Being ultra-opinionated, if they agree with something, they already know it and so it's of little use to them. And if they disagree, they rule it out and fail to consider it fully and give it a significant exploration.

All of the automatic listening styles above severely damage our ability to hear what others are truly saying. As a result, our communication, charisma, and personal effectiveness suffer when we listen in an unconscious and automatic manner.

To the contrary, we all have the ability to take on a deliberate empowered listening attitude that supports our personal effectiveness, ability to be heard, and charisma.

The following are several empowered listening attitudes you might take on to enhance your ability to communicate effectively.

Empathy
Those who listen empathetically possess an appreciation for what it is like in the other person’s world. They seek to understand before attempting to be understood. Their focus on others enhances their personal attractiveness and supports their effectiveness. Because of the empathy they have for others, they are far less likely to react to what others say or do because of an appreciation for why they act as they do.

To Empower others while listening for their greatness.
We call this the Pygmalion effect. It is about making others great by listening to them as though they are already great. People tend to show up for us in the space we provide for them. By listening to them as worthy of our attention and respect, they will often rise up to exceed our expectations.

For concerns, commitments and values
When we listen to what others are concerned about, we possess an appreciation for their perspective. When we know what their commitments are, we can better support them and honour what is truly important to them. As we honour others' values, they are heard and appreciated. They in turn respond with appreciation, respect, and honour.

For the gold
Those who have an intention to listen for value will come away with something valuable from every conversation. Those who are accustomed to listening for the dirt find fault with most any conversation. The key to listening for the gold in a conversation is to look beyond the speaking style of the speaker whose style typically annoys, bores, or disinterests us.

For possibilities
When we train ourselves to listen for possibilities, we become open to finding solutions to challenges that would not be so apparent without such an empowered listening attitude. It is important to distinguish conversations that creatively explore options from those where we are committed to action. For creative conversations to be most fruitful there must be no restraints on considering outside-the-box options and no need to commit to action at that stage of the conversation.

For what is at stake
When we listen with something at stake, we are far more likely to come away from a conversation with greater value. Consider, for example, how we typically listen to preflight airline safety instructions. Most half-heartedly listen while continuing to read, engage in conversation, or focus elsewhere. Contrast this with how you would listen to such instructions if they were preceded midflight by a warning from the cockpit that the plane had lost power and was going to crash.

Without judgment or attachment
Most of us are judging machines, listening from the perspective of our opinions with an expectation that people act in accordance with the way we think they should. When we give up our right to judge others and become non-attached to their words or deeds, we possess a newfound freedom to listen to what is actually said rather than contrasting what is said to what we think we should be hearing.

For the contribution others can be for you
All people have something to contribute to us if we listen for that contribution. Again, it is critical to put aside our arrogant opinions about who they are and what they have to say if we are to receive some contribution from any given conversation.

For the good intentions of others
This listening attitude is based upon the premise that everyone does the best they can consistent with the manner in which they see the world. It is not necessarily true that others always possess noble intentions, but assuming so will most often allow us to remain in a conversation powerfully because we have decided to give others the benefit of the doubt.

The secret to developing empowered listening styles that support our communication, personal effectiveness, relationships, and charisma is to put ourselves in development regarding how we listen moment by moment. All that is required to be a powerful listener in the moment is to become adept at recognizing when we are listening in a way that does not support us and shift to one that does. Practice makes perfect and the more we are willing to remain in research around how it is that we are listening and speaking in ways that support our personal power or detract from it, the more effective we will become in our ability be a great listener.

Some structures that will support your listening power include all of the following:

Get feedback about your listening

Rate yourself after each conversation

Identify and implement in conversations the top 5 qualities that would support your personal power as an effective listener.]