Here I present the key elements including the four existential truths and the corresponding four spiritual pains and healing, both the universal and type specific ways of working with loss and grief, as well as my concluding thoughts. As you read this, give yourself the time to reflect on these key elements in the loss and grief process especially as these relate to your self.
Key Elements in the Loss and Grief Process
Destructive myths abound concerning the loss and grief process. First, contrary to some views, there is no one 'right' way to die; our personality type makes a difference. Some of us go in peace and some screaming. Second, many people don't go through all the steps in the grief or dying process outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (On Death and Dying)
or in the order she states. She lists in order: shock - denial - anger - bargaining - depression - and acceptance/resignation. By bargaining she means asking for a favour or another chance often based on the promise of good behaviour. Depression is not inevitable, and some people don't feel angry. With loving care and receptive awareness and the acceptance that goes with presence many people realize that life is each day, that wholeness is the goal, not postponing death. We can heal the heart while the body is dying. When we realize that birth and death are just part of natural impermanence, we more easily chose to live each day fully with love. We only have this day.
There are myths about the grieving process as well. The main ones are making grief into an illness, something to get better from and that we grieve first and then come back to live life as though grief and life are linear processes. In truth, grief is a natural process. It lets us know that we care/love. Furthermore, the natural sadness of grief often comes in waves and unexpectedly. Trying not to grieve often causes persistence of distress and even depression. The natural process involves leaning into pain, not away from it and releasing through the pain into love and life in each moment. Life and grief go hand in hand in a natural co-existence. These realizations when truly lived make both the death and grief process transformative rather transfixing; life enhancing not detracting; liberating not limiting.
These best or healthy principles about the dying and the grief processes have been honoured in both hospice and Anamcara (soul friend) care that goes back over 1000 years. They are in virtually all of the ancient books of the dead: Egyptian Book of the Dead, Celtic Books of the Dead, Gnostic books for Living and Dying, and Tibetan Book of the Dead. Groves and Klauser in their excellent book, The American Book of Dying,
describe four themes in spiritual pain and healing that correspond to the four great existential issues and, in my view, to the three centres of intelligence (see list below). Remember that all three centres are involved in our lives and differing emphasis simply reflects greater involvement of our lead centre. That there is a correspondence between the great life issues, the spiritual themes in the dying process, and our three centres of intelligence is a remarkable finding well worth reflecting upon!
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THE FOUR EXISTENTIAL TRUTHS
Death anxiety versus
life (Head types)
Basic need for security & fear when missing
Isolation versus
connection (Heart types)
Basic need for bonding/love & distress when missing
Groundlessness versus
grounded meaning holding or not holding a sense of responsibility, ownership (Body types) Basic need for worth & anger/rage when missing.
Meaninglessness versus meaning of life (all types)
THE FOUR THEMES IN SPIRITUAL PAIN AND HEALING
Wholeness verses hopelessness
Relatedness/love verses emptiness, depression
Forgiveness/responsibility (having own ground, separateness) verses resentment, clinging.
Meaning in life (love in each moment) verses loss of purpose, despair
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Working with Loss and Grief:
The Role of Universal Growth Process (UGP) for Self-Mastery
In working with any life themes and issues there are both universal or generic processes across all types as well as the type specific processes. The UGP provides the fundamental means of the '4As' of awareness, acceptance, action, and adherence that apply to all types. All of the 'As' except the Action step are in all the world's great traditions. The Enneagram's gift is in the action step. It provides the specific means for working with loss and grief for each type. This process is fundamental to working with the natural distress accompanying the dying process and in loss and grief where reactivity and upset can predominate and block the process. Here is a summary of the UGP.
Awareness
1) Having a practice to increase our receptivity and grounded presence to both self and others. This means developing a good self-observer or inner witness. Adopting a breath practice whether in centering prayer, reflection, or meditation represents a classical means to developing receptive awareness.
Acceptance
2) Opening our hearts in kindness toward self and others, accepting whatever arises in the moment. This includes befriending our reactivity and working with our judging mind. This does not mean capitulating, condoning, or agreeing with others.
Action
3a) Noticing our reactivity/upset - pausing - collecting its energy - containing it
3b) Practicing inquiry in order to discover, discern
and work with whatever reactivity or theme arises in the moment.
Our key identifications, core beliefs and associated deepest concerns and feelings embedded in type structure (global origins)
Our personal stories/wounds (root origins)
3c) Mentoring ourselves with the 'inner coach' into conscious conduct, toward our desired outcome. Conscious conduct includes two interrelated forms: taking action and releasing into acceptance.
Staying with the experience/felt sense - loosening - letting go - re-experiencing our essential qualities. These essential qualities don't come and go; our being in touch with them comes and goes.
Staying with the experience/felt sense - loosening - taking compassionate action.
Adherence
4) Committing to the process in our daily life knowing that we all need to practice in order to change and develop. Intention is an irreducible element.
Working with Loss and Grief: The Role of Type Structure
In addition to the universal factors in the loss and grief process presented here, each type has specific responses and ways of reacting to and working with loss and grief. Remember to avoid stereotyping based upon these summary descriptions. Here are the type-by-type summaries based on what each type believes is needed and what is necessary for transforming loss and grief into the liberation of living life each day.
Type One: The Perfectionist. At times of distress, Ones want structure based on what they consider the right way to proceed, want clear directions and guidelines in making decisions, want to know the specific steps to take, and want openness to questioning the process. In grieving, for Ones it is vital to allow forgiveness; release into the love and acceptance in the moment; realize there is no one right way; and inspire others with acceptance and non-judgment.
Type Two: The Giver. At times of distress, Twos want the support and approval of others in deciding a course of action, want to protect the well-being of people close to them, want to assure connection with loved ones and want to be a needed help provider. In grieving, Twos need to come back to their own feelings and distress, allow the natural flow of giving and receiving, pay attention to own well-being, and share the love and care that emanates from a separate self.
Type Three: The Performer. At times of distress Threes automatically want to know and set goals quickly, want an action orientation, want to know what to do, want an efficient task oriented process, want to express feelings yet not be overwhelmed by them, want practicality, and want to take a leadership role. In grieving, Threes need to slow their place, let in their own true feelings (including regrets), allow others to take charge, realize as possible that love comes from being, not doing, and inspire others with compassion in the face of suffering.
Type Four: The Romantic. At times of distress, Fours want quality of emotional connection, want what seems to be missing in the process, want special recognition often non-consciously, and want others to express their feelings. In grieving, Fours need to focus on what is present and positive in the process, allow for a sense of gratitude for life, realize that a sense of wholeness and love comes from experiencing what is in the flow of life, show the possibilities life offers in all circumstances, and communicate their heartfelt feelings.
Type Five: The Observer. At times of distress, Fives want clarity before making decisions, want rational action, want to avoid an excess of emotion and turmoil while allowing for expression of feelings, and want private time. In grieving, Fives need to do their best to stay engaged and open hearted, allow feelings, receive the support and care from others, be at peace with not knowing, and show the value of the inner knowing that life goes on.
Type Six: The Loyal Skeptic. At times of distress, Sixes want to make life certain often through loyalty, want reassurance about the future, want to determine what the worst case could be, want to take a definitive problem solving approach, and want directness, clarity and forthrightness from others. In grieving, Sixes need to sustain or reclaim faith in self and the universe, realize that love and life can endure and flourish, move forward into life with all its uncertainties, and inspire others in the beauty of faith and courage.
Type Seven: The Epicure. At times of distress, Sevens want to explore the range of options, want to focus on the big picture and avoid 'too much' detail, want only a moderate amount of structure and authority, want decisions to be made quickly yet have some time to express feelings. In grieving, Sevens need to be more present and steady in the moment, allow their hearts to open to themselves and others, welcome in the natural pain/sadness of grief, just practice presence to what is, and sustain their great optimism.
Type Eight. At times of distress, Eights want to take some control, want to be direct in getting to decisions, generally want to get started and move through the process while offering support and care for others, and want to show strength and take definitive action while allowing for expression of feelings. In grieving, Eights need to allow in vulnerability and soft feelings (sadness), knowing this is not weakness, allow or adopt kindness toward self, not self-battering, practice beginner's mind and the innocence of coming freshly to each situation, and inspire others in the strength to have a positive future.
Type Nine: The Mediator. At times of distress, Nines want to be inclusive, participative, and come to consensus, want room to express feelings, want to take into account all points of view, want to avoid conflict and reduce others' discomfort, want to go along and get along, and want to have clear procedures and lines of authority in making decisions. In grieving, Nines need to allow in their own personal reactions and feelings, take time to focus on their own process and purpose in life, remember to love themselves equally to all others, and inspire others to reach out as they naturally do.
Concluding Thoughts
Over the years, I have facilitated a number of workshops and many individual consultations on the meaning and experience of grief and loss. I together with my family experienced the sudden loss of our youngest son at age 25 and the heartache that goes with such a loss. From these experiences I have come to realize the importance of the principles presented in this paper
Summarizing the Principles in Loss and Grief
Grief is a natural process, not an illness.
Grief lets us know we care.
Grief and live go hand in hand. We don't grieve first and then come back to living life.
There is no one right way to grieve.
Grief comes in waves.
In loss and Grief, we need to apply the Universal Growth Process (UGP).
There is no good way to put into words the meaning and significance of working with loss and grief. In working with the dying and grieving, it has become clear to me that at the heart of avoidance of and difficulty working with grief and loss is our splitting away from unconditional self-love which occurred as the natural consequence of personality formation. Along with this what arises is the need to forgive ourselves for not loving ourselves unconditionally which would allow back in our higher essential qualities. The process involves not just befriending our judging mind and reactivity, but literally our whole self in the process becoming our own best friend. This is the art of inner friendship and ultimately the friendship with life that brings us back to our soul and liberates us into loving and living life each day.
I want to mention a few of the most meaningful phrases to me about death and life, loss and grief, and hence the possibility of our transformation and liberation into living love. Some of these come from Stephen Levine's extraordinary book, Who Dies: An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying.
Meaningful Phrases for me are:
Fear of death is fear of life.
Yearning for things to be other than they are, we perceive rather than receive reality.
We are unconditional love in unity, in the cycle of life.
Death does not shatter oneness; it brings us back to oneness.
Under grief is love and care.
We can heal the heart while the body is dying
Resistance to pain causes the heart to whither.
To let go of this last moment and go to the next is consciously dying.
Live life every moment, care every moment, and forgive every moment.
Desire wants what it doesn't have; freedom is opening to what always has been there.
In my end is my beginning.
A good death does honor to a whole life.
Poem from The Tibetan Book of the Dead
'When the journey of my life has reached its end
And I wander through places of confusion
May I stay awake so to transform fear and suffering.'
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