Many times when tensions rise between us and our children it can be from our 'love language' differences. Perhaps the way you give or receive love is different than that of your children and so it's important to learn each child's unique and preferred ways of communicating love.
Listen to your children.
While it's important to let your child know your feelings about important topics, you must also give them the time and space to express their opinions without criticism. It's interesting how we tell our children to not fall victim to peer pressure and think for themselves, but many times, as parents, we don't afford them that privilege at home. Respect their thoughts and feelings.
As they grow and become more independent be sure to schedule regular 'check-ins' with them. Go to dinner and a movie together or any other activities you both enjoy doing so that you stay connected with what goes on in their lives and stay involved.
Make an effort to understand them.
Sometimes we forget what it's like to be a child or teen, but we have to try to look at things through their eyes. Ask lots of questions to try and understand their thoughts, feelings and attitudes. These are important to them so tuning in and showing genuine interest in understand makes them feel respected.
Tips to help you better understand them:
- Physically get down to their level so you are not speaking down to them but rather with them.
- If they're having a problem with something, relate a story from your childhood. Tell them how you felt, what you thought, what you did about it and what the result was.
- Don't judge them. Instead help them work through it by asking their opinions and brainstorming together.
Spend time with them.
This is one language that appeals to all children. This is the most important way to demonstrate the love you have for your child. More than one child? Be sure to spend individual time with each of them. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate, but all some time for just the two of you. Children need to feel special and this is how we give that to them.
Then they become teens!
This is the tricky part I spoke of earlier. The teen years are usually when children pull away from their parents and spend more time with their friends. It's not because they love you less, it's because now it's time to try out the tools you gave them growing up. Time to test out the knowledge and values they were taught by their parents against those of their peers and see what is important to them.
As difficult as it may be at times, this is when they need your love and support the most.
Continue to foster that loving relationship by:
- Giving them some privacy unless you have good reason not to.
- Treat them as adults, when appropriate, while maintaining the parent/child connection
- Try to have regular 'check-ins' such as a meal together or an activity you both enjoy just the two of you or as a family. Teens can get pretty busy and having regular time together helps keep you in the loop.
When you take the time to understand your children, it shows how much you love them and everyone will reap the benefits of it.
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